While this corrupt tract, found pasted to the bottom of a patio table in Sharm el Sheik, dates from the second century, it does not seem to be connected with similar materials found in saunas and billiard table pockets.
Judging from the poor condition of the manuscript, multiple erasures, and detritus from camel faex, the original language seems to have been Aramaic, suggesting a Palestinian provenance for its most important ideas. A third character is a female disciple referred to only as “Daughter” by the male speakers. Extraneous ossuary evidence from Talpiot (תלפיות) shows almost decisively that the woman in question is the biological daughter of Judas and hence the niece of Jesus by Judas’s sister Tiffany.
While an interesting product of a syncretistic heretical movement, scholars have been unable to determine what relevance its contents may have for the serious study of the New Testament.
Jesus: Judas, do you [ ] me?
Judas: That depends on what you mean by [ ]
Jesus: Judas, do you [ ] Me?
Judas. Oh, that’s better, you ask louder and capitalize Me. It’s like I said, and it’s what the Daughter said. It is what it is, isn’t it?
Jesus: So you don’t?
Daughter: Like who said?
Jesus: Who will remember the Glory?
Daughter (rubbing eyes and adjusting veil): I will.
Judas. I never know what to answer. Ok, I will too. And just what is the glory?
Jesus: The Kingdom of God is like the night sky at noon.
Judas: Just don’t. People are already saying we’re gnostics. No, I say, he’s tired. He’s been with the multitudes again. He doesn’t bring lunch, again. Maybe blood sugar, knock on wood.
Jesus: But you must remember; that is why I came into the world
Daughter: Why do you say things like “came into the world”? We know where you’re from. You came in a cart just like the rest of us.
Jesus: It will be harder for a relatively fat man to prick his neighbor with a needle than for a camel to enter the mystery of the kingdom of God by the narrow gate. But I say to you, shake the dust off your sandals! Let him who has ears, etc.
Judas: Look, my job is to make sense of this. When you hired me, you said Judas, what I really need is a PR man, a people person. Ever since then, it’s Judas do you love me. Peter do you love me. It’s driving us all blithers. We need writers–professional people who can sell it. Frankly, the boys are saying you’ve lost it and that we’ll never get to Jerusalem.
Daughter: I know someone. His name is Chloe.
Judas: Chloe is a girl’s name.
Daughter: It’s a gender preference. He writes like a boy.
Judas: We can change his name to–something else.
Jesus: I like Chloe: Someday he’ll be famous, like the womb that bore me. Does Chloe love me?
Judas: Chloe doesn’t bloody know you. You talk, let Daughter write. Do your short thingies, not the long “I am the cherry in the middle of the chocolate”- stuff.
Daughter: I don’t know how to write. I have a good memory, though. I think it will help with the kerygma.
Jesus: The law is inscribed on the hearts of men though not one of seven bothers know what treasures it will own when the son of man comes like David on the heights. Not women though. It’s not inscribed there. The secret of the Kingdom lay hidden like a pearl under an oyster basket. Who among the daughters of men can shuck the oyster….
Judas: You can’t saaay that. In two thousand years people will say, Oh right: Jesus the liberator. Look what he says about women and oysters. And you don’t bloody make sense and you don’t stick to the point and without us you’d still be scrubbing spit off the floor in your father’s house.
Jesus: In my father’s house there are countless mansions. And my father will say to you, “Depart from me before I cast you among the swine like the pearls you are” or something like that.
Judas: Daughter, how much will Chloe want to sort this out?
Daughter: He’ll do it for thirty.
Judas: Thirty denarii? That’s great.
Daughter: Thirty pieces of silver. That’s real money.
Judas: It will break us. It might not even be worth it to clean up his language, but sometimes he sounds sane. And let’s face it, he’s the rockstar. Christ, if only he hadn’t wasted the nard.
Daughter: That’s right, blame me. He has really nice feet.
Jesus: Blessed be you Simon bar Jona, for flesh and blood sake now get behind me. Yes, there.
Judas: That’s disgusting. No wonder Peter ran off. He’s in one of his trances. Does Chloe know we can’t put his name on the scroll?
Daughter: Not yet. I still have to see if he’s got time. What do you suggest.
Judas: Discretion. People have to think he said it. No titles, no bylines. Thirty drachma, not a copper more. Just the sayings that make a little sense. No description–no lakes, or hill, or cliffs. We’ll fill that in later, after… you know.
Daughter: Got it. Just sort out the sayings.
Judas: Not all of them. I’ve got someone named John working on the worst ones. We’ll see how he goes, maybe publish a second volume. But John wants a byline. The pig.
Daughter: Just the sayings, no scenery, make them short.
Judas: Exactly: We can do this. “Chloe” Move it around your mouth. It has a nice qof thing going—k-k–k. That’s it, we’ll call it Q. Just us–us. No one outside knows. In two thousand years, who will guess?